Deny, Defend, Give Rose; Luigi Mangione Should Be on The Bachelor.
(let me explain)
On December 9th, the world caught a glimpse of the UnitedHealthCare CEO killer, and the entire country got horny. I mean, so did I, and I rarely care about killers unless it’s Michael C. Hall’s Dexter. His capture stunned the world. Because there’s nothing Americans love more than shootings. And Italians. The Sopranos is a wildly popular show, and unbearable film bros swear up and down that GoodFellas is THEE Coppola cinematic masterpiece, when it’s obviously Sofia Coppola’s Priscilla. Is Dexter Italian? Can someone google that for me?
Alas, our Sicilian Robin Hood is behind bars, and is being tried for the murder of Brian Thompson. Raise your hand if Luigi was with you on December 4th between the hours of 5 and 7am? Last I remember, Luigi was helping me learn how to parallel park.
There is nothing more American than fucking over the upper-class. The Pullman strike of 1894, the Boston Tea Party, the SAG-AFRA strike, the GameStop short squeeze, the…sigh, Hawk Tuah coin. All of these are, unfortunately, famous examples of the working class getting their lick back. It’s also very American to capitalize off of crime; Netflix is working with Ryan Murphy as we speak for a new season of American Crime Story.
Think of all the true crime stories that have been monetized; Hulu’s The Act which launched Gypsy Rose Blanchard to stardom, the Menendez Brothers, Dahmer, Jon Benét Ramsey, Richard Ramierz, fuck, OJ simpson? Though this is clearly an up and down problem with the working class and the 1%, the right has Kyle Rittenhouse, who has his own talk show, I assume. What does the left have?
My problem with Luigi Mangione is the same one I have with Selena Gomez. They set their sights too low. Why play Linda Ronstandt when you can embody Linda Ronstandt and make better music? Why kill the CEO of UnitedHealth when there are so many other options? There is a certain dictator, in a certain country I’m from in South America, who loves special treatment. Or maybe a certain former reality TV star who’s got access to nuclear codes again…
Then it hit me.
Luigi Mangione shouldn’t go to prison. No, there is a far worse punishment. Being a reality TV star. And what show is the most unbearable? The Bachelor. Or maybe The Bachelor in Paradise? The jury is still out on that one. Black Mirror already did that with the episode White Bear, so let's make it a reality!
25 single, down on their luck, short sighted women all dressed in prom dresses from Dillards, begging Mangione to shoot a different kind of bullet in them? Sign me up! We’ll make him a sensation, make him go on unbearable dates, force him to pick a woman he has no chemistry with, live stream the wedding, which will be a disaster, and turn him into the laughing stock the NYPD wishes they could execute.
Imagine Mangione trying to recreate the Ghost pottery scene with some random girl from missouri. And then absolutely messing up the pot they’re trying to make, knowing he can just 3D print one. Now that is misery!
Imagine the producers driving Mangione crazy by saying they won’t drive 20 minutes away from the Villa just to get him his Big Mac and fries, and then tricking him by feeding him Burger King. Slowly chipping away at his mental health with the worst chicken nuggets in fast food history because hey, they don’t snitch.
Imagine the reunion; his “perfect match”, Influencer Brittany from Los Angeles, is sipping so much champagne, she’s lucid, and she’s spewing out how much she hates him for giving up on them. That he ended up “choosing” Laklynn from Alabama, whose family owns a 18th century plantation. He’s miserable with both.
Imagine the Luigi Mansion references that could be made on the show, only for Nintendo to slam The Bachelor with a huge lawsuit.
If he does horribly, he’ll do collabs with Leo from season 7 of Love is Blind.
If he does well, he’ll do collabs with Leah from Love Island USA, which, don’t get me wrong, I love Leah, but to him, that’ll be torture.
Luigi Mangione will propose to his “chosen” girl by saying “there’s no one I want to defend and dispose into, no matter how much I deny it. Will you accept this rose?” the producers made him say that. He’ll wish he went to jail!
Because if Gypsy Rose Blanchard could almost get a spot on Dancing with the Stars, why can’t Luigi Mangione go on The Bachelor?
Maybe I've been watching too much UnREAL on Netflix.
