If a Felon Can Do It, How Hard Can It Be? My Modest Proposal as Your First Female President
(just kidding, but also, maybe not)
Ladies, do you remember walking down the toy aisle of Toys-R-Us and seeing a President Barbie? looking all shiny and immaculate, just like the perfect symbol of ‘empowerment’? Thinking: “Oh hey, a female president, that’s cool, right? But wait—why hasn’t it happened yet? My mom could run the country, she makes great Kraft's Mac and Cheese. My sister can do it too, she’s getting a degree in business. So... maybe I could be president too?!”
At least one time in every little girl’s life, she has dreamed about being the first female president. And for the third time in this country’s history, it has failed. I could sit here and spew politics and say “well, the democrats do this” “third party voters do that” and republicans…are themselves! But we as women know that it was never about Hillary's emails or Kamala’s short campaign. Men who sparknotes the Communist Manifesto and who pretend to like Ethel Cain a little too much will drone on and on about why this election turned out the way that it did. It won’t change the obvious overturning of Roe V Wade, or that fact that Florida’s amendment four actually did win the popular vote, but won't be ratified in the state’s constitution. I could really go into why this didn’t work out.
But I won't, because it’s not fun. But fret not, I will be the first female president of the United States in…2038? I dunno, I don’t math. Too headache :(
My qualifications? Easy.
I would be a great president based on my big astrological three; My Aquarius sun balances out my emotional Libra moon which helps me make concisive decisions, while also keeping my empathy in tact, and my Gemini rising which makes me sociable. That’s all a president really needs, right?
My scrapbooking skills, which will come into play for organizing the country’s budget after I add a few Lisa Frank stickers here and there.
The 1K+ hours I have on The Sims 4; which means I know how the average American lives, I can control a room better than any propaganda machine ever could.
and how I memorized Ariana Grande’s entire discography, which means I can read laws, duh.
All of these skills combined will lead to America having its first female president, its first latina president, and its first queer president…if you look past JFK’s ‘friendship’ with Lem Billings. Or Abraham Lincoln as a whole.
My first order of business is to bring back all day breakfast at Mcdonalds, because it’s a crime to stop serving McGriddles after 10am. Some of us sleep until 2pm tops! And if you’re up before noon, you’ve got other problems.
Our new national anthem? Welcome to the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance; nothing is more American than starting an emo band after witnessing 9/11, despite what big country music tells you.
Speaking of corporations, it will be totally legal to steal from Walmart…it kind of is in my eyes anyways. It's practically a public service. You’re not stealing; you’re just redistributing the wealth of a billion-dollar empire to the people who really need it. Some of us can't afford to buy a new Burts Bees chapstick after losing it in our purses.
Cheating on your partner? Illegal! And you have to take a mandatory 12-week relationship reboot class. Taking someone’s baby name? Also illegal! 30 days in your local county jail researching baby names and making your own pinterest board.
Guns? Banned for men. Your body, MY choice! Podcast microphones? Also banned for men! Oh, and saying you want to run a commune? Nice try Jim Jones! BANNED!
Horoscopes and Astrology will be included in weather forecasts, Capricorn and Cancer men need to know when they’re having a bad day so they don’t self sabotage their relationships and affect everyone else around them.
If you were born between 1980-1995, you're not allowed to buy a Victorian home to remodel it.
I will ban all streaming services, Squid Game and Stranger Things belong to the people now.
Foreign policy? You mean our annual trip to Aruba?
Lets not forget making it mandatory that no kid with a millennial parent is given an IPad or a phone until that kid can read an entire chapter book with no pictures by themselves.
Women? free entry at the club with drinks included, and you’re allowed to use your credit card interest free!
LGBTQ folks? You’ll never have to work as a barista ever again.
POC including my fellow Latinos? Here’s all the money we took from military spending. It’s not like we really need it, we already painted the tanks pink.
White men didn’t feel seen when Kamala was running?
Don’t you see that everything is already for you?
But hey! You guys get court mandated therapy.
With me as your president, and Lana Del Rey working at Waffle House as your VP, I see a glittery future for us where we all get cookies and gold stars at the end of our day, because as Americans, we all deserve to have Jared Leto as our nation’s LOLcow. We all deserve to drive safely without worrying about those ugly cyber trucks, or those ugly jeep trucks…or those ugly kia souls. We should be able to wear our cute winter outfits in November without it being 88 degrees. We should be able to afford a home. We should be able to go out and not fear for our safety, We should be able to choose the kind of future we want for ourselves; and we should not cry every time we look on Ebay for a limited edition President Barbie who patiently waits for the day where she can fulfill her dream.
But hey, I hope you get everything you voted for :)
